Saying Goodbye
Written by: Amy Cakebread on the plane over the US midwest*(see note below)
Funny enough, I don’t think about all the good-byes we have
to say when I think about leaving—I just can’t.
I have very difficult time with good-byes. I always have. There’s some resentment from having said
enough permanent good-byes in my life that has taken its toll. So, all the leave taking we have done in the
last couple of days has brought up a lot of feelings. The deliberate act of not thinking about them
may have made saying farewell worse in some ways.
The details of leaving have kept my mind busy enough to
justify not thinking about being absent from my loved ones everyday lives. The packing, organizing, packing, moving,
packing, cleaning, packing, have kept me extremely busy. But, sitting here on the plane where there’s
not much else to occupy my busy brain has opened up the floodgates.
No, I’m not crying. There
are too many people here. One of them is
practically in my lap cause he wants to recline his seat back as far as he can
muscle it back. This is the same guy who
smashed my mandolin with his bag in the overhead compartment. Trust me, I’ll get him back for that! Anyway, I am ready to think about what it
might mean to be gone for 7 months.
I’m not gong to be present in the lives of the people I have
let into my life. And, when I let
someone in, I let them all the way in. I
don’t have any walls, no secrets and am completely myself—no filter—around
them. So, they are more to me than just
family or friends, they are in many ways how I define myself. I am so privileged to be in these people’s
lives. I’m going to miss hearing about Kevin’s new job, Jodi’s final year in
her Ph.D program, Betsy and David’s re-entry adventure, Annette’s year at WLWV
school district, Aimee’s and Jose’s year balancing work, softball, and a baby
and all the going’s on at CHS, and Virginia’s niece and nephew adventures and
her year at PCC. I know Skype, email, text, and phone calls can be a stop gap,
but it’s not the same.
And, that’s before you factor in the kids I’m leaving
behind. Children grow so fast and I’m
letting 7 months of their life slip by me.
It makes my heart clutch! I’m
leaving my oldest child in college in Portland.
Yes, he’s reluctantly agreed to let us buy him a ticket to visit us
after fall term, but I’m leaving him.
I’ll say it again..I’m leaving my child half a world away. It’s crazy.
So out of character for me. The
only way I can get through is to remind myself that Dev’s ready for me to be
out of his hair for a couple of months.
He can have this chance to grow more into the person he wants to become
without the constant parental meddling.
And, he better do some of that growing or I’ll skin him. Ooopps! Sorry Dev, apparently I wasn’t done
meddling.
Also, I have other children in my life. There’s Kris (I know you’re not a child, Kris
but you are one of mine none-the-less!) Mogo, Lessa, Camerones, Leas, Jomo,
NickKnack and Judge Jaunie-Jaun-Jaun-Jaun (that one just hurts to think about
cause Jaunie’s not even sure who I am yet cause I’ve been so busy). Even kids like Aimee and Jose’s Kikquemendous
and the Schielder’s and Ptak’s cute ones will not be around to spoil. How am I going to find ways to be the Mammie
I am privileged to be if I’m not around to do all the fun spoiling? They are all going to forget their
nicknames! I’ll have to be more creative
in how I keep it real with them in Ireland, I guess. Knowing that I’m missing 7 months of these
kids lives is just too much at times.
Speaking of young adults, I have been getting emails from students at CHS who have heard that I am not there this year. I'm already missing all of my students at CHS and hope they are all keeping themselves safe and making good choices!
The actual saying good-byes were so unique the
individual. Bry and Crys took great
pains to make it very easy. I know how
hard it is to hide the sadness so the other person doesn’t see it as I said
good bye to Crys when she went to California and it was just so heart wrenching. But, Crys kept this goodbye very
low-key. Maybe it helps to know that
she’ll be in Ireland in November. Other
low-key “see ya’s” were Barbara, Peter, Sandy, and Angela. Thank you guys for making it easy as you
could have made it very difficult. So, I
was surprised to find myself in tears when I said goodbye to Tina, Mom, Jim,
Morgan, Mike and Dad. I just couldn’t
maintain. They were fine, it was
me.
And, even given all this mental space in which to
contemplate all these things, I can’t begin to write about (much less think
about) the possibility that I may have just said a permanent good-bye to
someone I love. The fact that I could be
gone when I am needed the most is….well, I just can’t even say. I don’t want to say. Instead, I hope that holding everyone tight
in my heart will keep them safe and well.
That having expressed all this and put it out in the universe could ward
against the very possibility. Please say
that that is how it will be.
It was especially hard to leave our dog Maddie because we
had just lost her sister. After all the
research, Ker found out that we would have to ship Maddie as freight for
$3500. But, you can take your purse dog
right on the plane with you! What’s up
with that? Maddie is worth 10,000 purse
dogs. But, taking her would not be good
for her. She doesn’t travel well anymore
and 7 months away would be hard on her body.
She’s not young and we know she may not be there when we return. So, leaving her in the more-than-capable
hands of Barbara and Devan was hard.
So, it was with some trepidation that I approached all the
good-byes. How am I going to feel when I
can’t touch them, hug them, bother them, or badger them? I don’t know how that’s going to be. It’s what keeps me up at night. I’m not the only one experiencing these feelings;
Ker has also mentioned some hesitancy about how we are going to feel being away
from them—kids and adults. When it gets
bad we remind each other that if we miss everyone too much, we will simply come
home. But, coming home for them would
just piss them off! Every one of our
circle has expressed just how excited they are for us to take this opportunity
and how much they want this to be a success for us.
So, as I fly away to an adventure, I want everyone to know just
how valuable they are to me and that I’m coming back! And that it hurt a lot to leave them. So I know that we really have to make this
adventure amazing to be worth the good byes we just said.
I’m going to leave you with a quote from the Devan: “You’re acting as if you are dying. You’re not. So stop doing that. You’re coming back in 7 months. Jeesh.” You can tell he's super sentimental.
*This was originally an entry not slated for public posting. That's why it is out of order.
No comments:
Post a Comment